"Three"

My daydreams are
sugarcane caught on a spindle
woven into a knot
and released to childhood.

The crone has pursed lips
her tongue is hungry for the palate.
She carries an umbrella
because I dream of day.

The matron snores lightly
window pressed to her cheek.
She wears all black
and mourns for the children.

The maiden grows lint on her dress.
She is barefoot:
her knees are knobs
because her harvests are a not.

Jellybeans dance a ritual
around a puddle of milk
their movement spill
color into my daydreams.



© 2010 Johnny Tan

The things you loved. The things you'll never do. I found your last.fm page and it broke my heart to see the last thing you listened to was at 11:22 pm, August 1st.

I'm at Joohyung's place with Joe and he's laughing hysterically at something. If you were here you would probably be laughing with him.

I'm sorry I hurt you. I just listened to a song that I showed you when we were going out. I liked it before we started going out, but now I realize how befitting it was about our relationship, that I never lied even though you probably think I did.

goodbye

It's so hard to say good bye, and in a way it's never quite real or the truth because we always hope/believe that we'll see each other again. Even when we know that we won't. I think that's the amazing thing about human nature. Faced against all odds, we do lose so much hope, but never completely. I want to say that I hope wherever you are you're happy but I don't believe in after life or heaven or such things. So I drift in between, tricking myself into believing that you're still in this world far far away experiencing the things that you always wanted to. Because I can't yet face the truth that you're really gone.

My friend told me that Buddhists believe that the soul remains among their loved ones 49 days after their death. So when we were talking after Christiana's wake she commented that she didn't like how people kept saying that one day we'll meet each other again because she's still here. I thought it was interesting because from my point of view it showed how people in older times dealt with death. Because when a person dies it doesn't quite sink in for a while. So 49 days I think would be the general amount of time for the average person to accept the reality of the situation. Cos I don't feel you're gone.

You lovely girl. Rest in peace.

o4.06.1989-08.04.2010

I'm sorry.

I was always amazed that you were shorter than me because your personality was a hundred billion times bigger than me. I still expect to go back to bing and have you next to me laughing your crazy laugh and being so cheerful and bright. I still remember sitting with you at walmart, telling me how much you loved Do. Going to wegmans late at night and being the only ones there. Being the life of the party at all the sulpoong events. I don't think I'll ever fully grasp that you're not here anymore. You, everyone's favorite noona and dongseng. Everyone loves you. I want to believe that this is all a joke, and you'll come back tomorrow and laugh in everyone's faces and yell gotcha!

Christiana Lee.

Today, or I guess yesterday in Korean time Korean actor Park Yong Ha commited suicide. He was 32 and a very famous actor across Asia. His friends said that they had spoken to him on the phone the day before and were shocked because he seemed quite normal. He even had plans with his friends later that day the morning he died.

It's strange and scary how easy it is for people to hide their pain and smile and laugh in front of others when secretly inside they are suffering. Humans generally take things at face value and are easily satisfied in matters that are not about themselves. Perhaps if someone had asked out of the blue if he was sad or wanted to talk about his personal problems he would still be alive. Unfortunately it takes events like this to wake us up from time to time and make us think and really try to help others. You never know the positive effect you can have on another just by one small action. Just by asking one more question.

"Let us learn to show our friendship for a man when he is alive and not after he is dead". -The Great Gatsby

Hello World

It's terribly awkward hanging out with friends of your friend and your friend. I've been doing it a lot recently because my friend keeps inviting me to hangouts. Even though they treat me kindly the same feeling always comes back; a sense of sadness and loneliness. I guess this is due to not understanding inside jokes. I hate imposing on other people so I never ask anyone to explain what's so funny. I smile when everyone laughs because I don't want to ruin the mood. But then it begins to add up as the jokes pile up and it becomes harder and harder to smile. I start to feel isolated and I start having these strong urges to run away from the current situation. I'm too sensitive to other people and have a crazy imagination, so I'm told by my friends hahaha. I don't know what to do. I know I have a problem with keeping my emotions in check. Sometimes I feel unreasonably sad for no reason. It's happened a lot less since I came back from binghamton but it came back this past weekend when I was hanging out with bing people.

Therefore, the conclusion must be that Binghamton is terrible for your mental health!

"Hunger"

Amy's Self Portrait

Lamp

What's that on her face?

When They All Came to Wes

No H8

hahaha I didn't realize what the No H8 organization was about before I copy/pasted their picture for this post.

I'm back.

Useful application

for merging two pdf documents together

Currently Listening to:

HEY SOUL SISTER

Magical Jellybean Keyfinder

Magical Jellybean Keyfinder (for Windows users)
The Magical Jelly Bean Keyfinder is a freeware open source utility that retrieves your Product Key (cd key) used to install Windows from your registry.

Digital Post-its! (for mac users only)

These are post it's for your desktop that you can draw on, type on, whatever!

New Year, New Song

"War On Sound"